Monday, June 20, 2011

“The disappearing act'

If I had to rank all the crappy things a girl can do, I’m pretty sure pulling “the disappearing act” would rate fairly high up there.  It’s one of those things that just sucks.  And I mean, it suuuuucks.  In many ways, it can be worse than a full on relationship and break up.  For reals.  So let’s examine this heinous trick.  And figure out what should we do when faced with a girl who’s playing like she’s a magician.
What is it?  “The disappearing act” happens when a girl drops off the face of the earth.  Suddenly, that girl who was all over you just stops calling and goes dark.  Like pitch black, midnight dark.  You’ll think things like “maybe she was killed in a freak firecracker accident?” or “maybe his phone fell into a puddle and he lost all his numbers?”  Alas, no.  What has happened is you’ve been blown off, bro.  Big time.  And by a girl who didn’t have the balls to tell you to your face.  (Or over the phone.  Or even through a lousy text, goshdarnit!) 
Why does it hurt so badly?  I've held a theory for a long time.  Here it is:  Sometimes the hardest “relationships” to get over are the ones that never had a chance to develop fully.  Think about it.  If you go out with a girl for a year or two, you have the opportunity to see it all, the good, the bad, and the downright horrific.  Even if you break up, it will because things will have run their course.  You’ll have closure.  Not so with “the disappearing act.”  Chances are great you never really got to know her.  You were just beginning to get a sense of the kind of boyfriend she’d make and dreaming about a life together.  And all you’re left with is this, the fantasy of what it could have been and the feeling of “WTF just happened?”  Very often it’s being blindsided that knocks us upside down.
Why is it so disrespectful?  Feels that way, doesn’t it?  You’ll wonder how you could have had that minimal of an impact on her feelings that she could just walk away with no explanation.  You’ll feel dumb for caring so much for a girl who cared so little.  I get it.  But here’s what you have to remember,  Girls DON’T care the way we do.  They DON’T invest the way we do.  At least not as quickly as we do.  So what we think is serious, a girl may think is casual.  What we think is potential love, a girl may think is only lust.  It’s just the way it works.
Why do they do it?  Who the hell knows.  They just do.  Maybe they get bored.  Maybe they get sick of a man’s drama and/or demands.  Maybe they know it’s not going to go any further.  Maybe they meet someone else.  But whatever the reasons, I will promise you two things:  It happens because (1) she’s lost interest and (2) she doesn't have the strength and/or courage to be honest and upfront with the man in question.  Personally, I think “the disappearing act” is very cowardly.  I’d rather a girl tell me straight up she doesn't dig me than have her “spare my feelings” and just go radio silent.
How do you handle it?  Here’s what you’ll want to do:  Call her out.  Get an explanation.  Find your “closure.”  But, as one of my readers so aptly put it in an email to me, “Sometimes your closure is just realizing that this girl is scum.”  Yeah, bro.  Sadly, that is very often all the closure you’ll get.  And all you should try to get.  Attempting to force her hand to defend her actions will rarely result in anything good.  You’re not likely to get a real answer.  (Should she actually answer the phone, rest assured the following will be coming out of her mouth:  “Ummmm, I've been busy…”  Sound familiar?)  So here’s what you have to do, Let her disappear.  As tough as it is, it’s really your only recourse.  Do anything else and you’ll either be the dumb guy who bought into her excuses or you’ll come off looking like a desperado, or both.  (Trust me, I’ve been both and it ain’t pretty.)
What do you do if (and when) she suddenly reappears?  Every good magic trick ends with the rabbit or the girl in the box rematerializing, doesn't it?  Very much like these girl who disappear, as well.  It’s been my experience that unless you act like a complete nut job or it was totally 100% about sex in her mind, they very often show up again.  One day you’ll just be sitting there, minding your own business (and very nearly over her) and poof!  There she is!  Maybe you’ll get a text (probably wouldn't be anything as blatant as a call) or an FB friend request (yeah, you a-holes know you who are).  You’re going to have to seriously ask yourself if it’s worth it to let her back in.  Chances are it’s not.  If she can disappear once, what’s to stop her from disappearing again?
Since I embarked on this journey, I made a vow that I would always try to see the long term impact of my decisions.  I didn’t want to do things I would later regret.  I haven’t been perfect in this (hardly), but I’ve learned a lot of lessons and grown a lot, as well.  Here’s the deal, if you take things slowly, keep your wits about you, and make her show you who she is before falling for her (or sleeping with her), there’s a much greater chance she will keep coming after you.

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