Monday, June 20, 2011

“The disappearing act'

If I had to rank all the crappy things a girl can do, I’m pretty sure pulling “the disappearing act” would rate fairly high up there.  It’s one of those things that just sucks.  And I mean, it suuuuucks.  In many ways, it can be worse than a full on relationship and break up.  For reals.  So let’s examine this heinous trick.  And figure out what should we do when faced with a girl who’s playing like she’s a magician.
What is it?  “The disappearing act” happens when a girl drops off the face of the earth.  Suddenly, that girl who was all over you just stops calling and goes dark.  Like pitch black, midnight dark.  You’ll think things like “maybe she was killed in a freak firecracker accident?” or “maybe his phone fell into a puddle and he lost all his numbers?”  Alas, no.  What has happened is you’ve been blown off, bro.  Big time.  And by a girl who didn’t have the balls to tell you to your face.  (Or over the phone.  Or even through a lousy text, goshdarnit!) 
Why does it hurt so badly?  I've held a theory for a long time.  Here it is:  Sometimes the hardest “relationships” to get over are the ones that never had a chance to develop fully.  Think about it.  If you go out with a girl for a year or two, you have the opportunity to see it all, the good, the bad, and the downright horrific.  Even if you break up, it will because things will have run their course.  You’ll have closure.  Not so with “the disappearing act.”  Chances are great you never really got to know her.  You were just beginning to get a sense of the kind of boyfriend she’d make and dreaming about a life together.  And all you’re left with is this, the fantasy of what it could have been and the feeling of “WTF just happened?”  Very often it’s being blindsided that knocks us upside down.
Why is it so disrespectful?  Feels that way, doesn’t it?  You’ll wonder how you could have had that minimal of an impact on her feelings that she could just walk away with no explanation.  You’ll feel dumb for caring so much for a girl who cared so little.  I get it.  But here’s what you have to remember,  Girls DON’T care the way we do.  They DON’T invest the way we do.  At least not as quickly as we do.  So what we think is serious, a girl may think is casual.  What we think is potential love, a girl may think is only lust.  It’s just the way it works.
Why do they do it?  Who the hell knows.  They just do.  Maybe they get bored.  Maybe they get sick of a man’s drama and/or demands.  Maybe they know it’s not going to go any further.  Maybe they meet someone else.  But whatever the reasons, I will promise you two things:  It happens because (1) she’s lost interest and (2) she doesn't have the strength and/or courage to be honest and upfront with the man in question.  Personally, I think “the disappearing act” is very cowardly.  I’d rather a girl tell me straight up she doesn't dig me than have her “spare my feelings” and just go radio silent.
How do you handle it?  Here’s what you’ll want to do:  Call her out.  Get an explanation.  Find your “closure.”  But, as one of my readers so aptly put it in an email to me, “Sometimes your closure is just realizing that this girl is scum.”  Yeah, bro.  Sadly, that is very often all the closure you’ll get.  And all you should try to get.  Attempting to force her hand to defend her actions will rarely result in anything good.  You’re not likely to get a real answer.  (Should she actually answer the phone, rest assured the following will be coming out of her mouth:  “Ummmm, I've been busy…”  Sound familiar?)  So here’s what you have to do, Let her disappear.  As tough as it is, it’s really your only recourse.  Do anything else and you’ll either be the dumb guy who bought into her excuses or you’ll come off looking like a desperado, or both.  (Trust me, I’ve been both and it ain’t pretty.)
What do you do if (and when) she suddenly reappears?  Every good magic trick ends with the rabbit or the girl in the box rematerializing, doesn't it?  Very much like these girl who disappear, as well.  It’s been my experience that unless you act like a complete nut job or it was totally 100% about sex in her mind, they very often show up again.  One day you’ll just be sitting there, minding your own business (and very nearly over her) and poof!  There she is!  Maybe you’ll get a text (probably wouldn't be anything as blatant as a call) or an FB friend request (yeah, you a-holes know you who are).  You’re going to have to seriously ask yourself if it’s worth it to let her back in.  Chances are it’s not.  If she can disappear once, what’s to stop her from disappearing again?
Since I embarked on this journey, I made a vow that I would always try to see the long term impact of my decisions.  I didn’t want to do things I would later regret.  I haven’t been perfect in this (hardly), but I’ve learned a lot of lessons and grown a lot, as well.  Here’s the deal, if you take things slowly, keep your wits about you, and make her show you who she is before falling for her (or sleeping with her), there’s a much greater chance she will keep coming after you.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

My blood type

O Blood Type : Social, Active, Curious

People with blood type O are kind and place great emphasis on peace. They have bright personalities and a talent to lead others. Passion and honesty are among their greatest traits. Type O's make friends easily wherever they go and have great social skills. While they are curious about many thing, they get bored just as easily.  To others, they seem like cool and controlled, but they also make big mistakes because of their careless characteristics.  

Best traits: ambitious, athletic, confident.

World straits: arrogant, vain, careless.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


There are people who deserve you and people who don’t.  If you have someone in your life who takes you for granted or doesn’t give you the respect that you deserve, leave them in the past where they belong.  Surround yourself with people who challenge your mind and bring out the best in you.  As for the ones who only exist to bring you down or cheapen your potential, let them find people who are better-suited to their own qualities and principles.  Hold yourself to the highest standard possible.  People who don’t measure up don’t deserve your time.  People who can’t see past their own cowardice or their own arrogance don’t deserve your time.  Anyone who doesn’t treat you the way you treat yourself doesn’t deserve your time.  And if you are treating yourself in a way that gives people permission to take advantage of you, start showing yourself the exact same respect that you should be demanding of everyone else.  You’re really worth more than you give yourself credit for.  It’s time that you start making sure people recognize that.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Blinded by LOVE - Time to open up the history book of my love life.

Some call it love. Some call it fate. And some call it bad luck. I happen to be the guy with the bad luck when it comes to dating. Maybe it's my personality I should blame?! Maybe I was born to be love-frustrated? I'm the type of guy who pours 100% of my heart into every aspect of my life. Whether I'm creating a new cookie recipe for my friends to try, brainstorming some crazy event to impact the lives of others, or taking a chance on love and letting down the protective wall around my heart, I stay true to myself and always give it my all.

I’ll admit that my passion for life is a bit peculiar.  It was pointed out by an ex girlfriend, who we will refer to as The Rebound, that I have little hunger for ........... , but a huge appetite for experiences. I love LOVE!  I love the energy of a new relationship.  The development of the story which you might someday share with your future children.  The butterflies you get in your stomach when you see her name popup on the caller id.  The rush of blood in your body when she kisses you after not seeing you for a few hours.  The softness of her lips when they first touch yours.  The smell of her perfume as she walks next to you.    The hours of pointless conversation where you’re just mesmerized by the sound of her voice. The moments when your eyes meet and everything in the world seems to disappear. The hope that she just might be The One.

Each time, it always seems just right, but it hasn’t worked out to stand the test of time or personal growth.  In order to really understand my frustration with “love” or “bad love luck” (bll), we need to open up the history book of my love life.  

Yes, but does she RESPECT you?

It's no big deal if a girl wants to sleep with you.  It's no challenge for most men to put on some hoochie-garb and find a willing accomplice for the evening.  Let's face it - this takes minimal work and effort.  Which may be why his initial level of physical attraction doesn't necessarily determine the strength of her desire to have a relationship with you.  And if you think you're gonna get a girl to like you - to want to be with you for the long-term - just becauses he finds you desirable,...well, think again.
We all know that women are visual creatures.  They're attracted to what they SEE.  And most women SEE a lot that attracts them.  But what sets you apart, what determines if she views you as a passing thing or as something serious, is based on who you are on the inside.  And ultimately, whether or not he RESPECTS you.  Respect.  It all boils down to respect.
Not too long ago, I heard a great quote:  You can't demand respect, you command it.  Love that!  It's so true, isn't it?  So if you are feeling disrespected; if your relationships seem to fizzle rather than sizzle; or if you are having problems sustaining women's interest, read on.  This one is for you.

1.  Respect yourself - If you don't respect yourself (your thoughts, your dreams, your body, etc), how can you expect anyone else to?  No woman will respect a man who doesn't respect herself.  Period.  End of story.  So how do you respect yourself?  By liking yourself.  By knowing who you are and being true to that.  By having boundaries that you allow no woman (or man) to cross.  A man who respects himself doesn't chase after women in order to gain approval.  He doesn't need someone else's acceptance in order to feel good about himself.  He believes in himself and holds out for relationships with people who also believe in him.  And he doesn't settle for relationships where he's treated badly.  Ever.

2.  Assert yourself - I don't believe in being a boobs buster.  That's gross.  And very few women like it when a man tries to push them around.  You aren't the boss of her.  But you most certainly are the boss of yourself.  You determine the course of your life.  No one else!  And you absolutely have control over charting your direction.  Women respect men who have their own goals and opinions.  Adopting a "whatever you want, honey" attitude may appeal to her at first.  But watch how quickly boredom will set in.  If you don't like how you are being treated, stick up for yourself.  If you want something you're not getting, be direct and tell her.  Don't keep your mouth shut and become resentful.  And certainly don't stomp your feet or pout like a little boy.  Women respect men who know what they want and have the strength to get it.

3.  Maintain yourself - One of the fastest ways she'll lose respect is if you give up everything important to you for her.  When you cease to be the center of your own life and instead orbit around her, she won't see you as an independent man.  She'll see you as a clingy child.  Why?  Two reasons.  First, most women are acutely aware they are no superhero.  She knows she's not perfect and when you act like she's your end all-be all, she can't help but wonder what's wrong with you.  She wants you to think she's great and super neato and all that.  But making her the center of your universe puts way too much pressure on her.  Second, once we abandon everything for a woman it's not too long before we begin demanding reciprocity.  "I don't go to bars with my boyfriends.  Why do you still go out with the girls?"  "You're more important than my work.  Why don't you make me more of a priority?"  Sound familiar?  The fuller your life and the more content you are, the more she'll respect you.

4.  Control yourself - One of the fundamental problems with relationships is that most women believe that 99.9% of men are (at least a little bit) crazy.  We may get irritated by this (after all, it's THEM who make us crazy, right?), but if we look at this objectively, don't we give them just a bit of ammo?  C'mon!  Admit it!  Haven't we all allowed a girl (at one time or another) to make us go somewhat...psycho?  (Seriously, if you never have you deserve some sort of medal.)  Here's the deal:  Women want men who are in control of their emotions.  Why?  Because they have no clue how to handle them.  For reals.  Our emotional outbursts scare them.  When you fly off the handle, cry, and scream, they just don't get it.  They think your response - to whatever the provocation - is totally out of proportion and completely unreasonable.  The more frequent your hissy fits, the more she'll lose respect for you.  Bottom line.  So, as hard as it may be, try to keep the drama to a minimum.  If she's habitually upsetting you to the point you are having trouble controlling your emotions, you should probably assess whether or not she's the girl for you.

5.  Save yourself - I'm not a preacher of abstinence.  Maybe in a "perfect" world, we'd all be virgins when our first love found our glass slipper and proposed on bended knee.  And then we'd get married and go on to be deliriously happy ever after.  Yeah, riiiiight.  Life ain't no fairy tale.  And, for most of us, sex is integral to our relationships.  But here's the deal when it comes to sex and respect:  The VAST MAJORITY of the time, the faster you have sex with her, the faster she'll lose respect for you.  Sleep with her on the first date?  Congrats.  More than likely you've just committed relationship suicide.  Listen up.  She's a girl.  She wants to sleep with you.  Duh!  Women learn to respect and begin to really fall for a man in the time BEFORE the relationship is consummated.  So don't sell that time short.  And if she's not showing respect before you sleep with her, she's certainly not going to treat you with it afterwards.
When a woman truly feels respect for a man, that's when her attraction goes through the roof.  And it's the kind of attraction that lasts.  Unlike physical attraction, which is fleeting, emotional attraction has staying power.  Just like many of our relationship issues, I believe it all goes back to being a "goddess;" that confident creature who is in control of himself and successful in his relationships.